I've been looking at the 2010 election results with complete disbelief, wondering how so many people voted for crack-pot imbeciles bent on sending the country back to 1855. The surprise wasn't among the zealots, those knuckle-dragging twits would vote for Satan if he had an (R) next to his name.
No, the surprise was the number of average, politically disengaged citizens who got duped by the torch-and-pitchfork crowd. How could educated, concerned citizens honestly think that Junior High flunk-out Tea Party fascists were going to be responsible politicians who would represent their interests and give measured, careful consideration to complicated pieces of legislation?
Then I realized, they have no simple way to know who the nut-jobs are. Every smarmy, telegenic politician looks the same as the next one; and since they all speak in faux-patriotic sound bites when they're running for office, it's impossible to tell the difference between those who have a brain, and those who make decisions based on fear and bigotry.
Then I realized, they have no simple way to know who the nut-jobs are. Every smarmy, telegenic politician looks the same as the next one; and since they all speak in faux-patriotic sound bites when they're running for office, it's impossible to tell the difference between those who have a brain, and those who make decisions based on fear and bigotry.
What we need is a test: a brief, easy-to-use guide to apply to all politicians in all races, that gives you a threshold. A candidate comes in below that threshold, they are dangerous in any public office and should never receive your vote. Any candidates above the threshold --- Democrat or Republican --- should be a safe way to cast your vote. With luck such a test will keep any more kooks from getting an office across from the National Mall.
So here we go. We'll call it The Idiot Test. Any candidate who you hear making or expressing agreement with any of the following statements is an idiot and FAILS the test.
1. President Barack Obama was born in Kenya, and/or President Barack Obama's birth certificate is a fake.
2. President Barack Obama is a Muslim.
3. All Muslims are terrorists, and/or all terrorists are Muslims (they're usually too stupid to know they mean different things).
4. Global warming is a myth, and is not actually occurring.
5. The 2010 Affordable Care Act ("Health Care Reform") is socialized medicine.
6. The Tea Party speaks to what the average American is thinking.
7. Sarah Palin is perfectly qualified to be President of the United States.
8. Legalizing gay marriage threatens the American family.
9. America has the best health care system in the world.
10. Children who are born in the U.S. but whose parents are illegal immigrants are not actual American citizens.
There it is. Quick, simple, highly accurate. Every statement on The Idiot Test is demonstrably false, and any politician who thinks otherwise is an idiot. Regardless of how sincere they may appear, regardless of how many of their other ideas you might agree with, no matter what else you might like about a candidate from either party: failing this test, by itself, disqualifies any and every candidate from holding office of any kind.
Keep The Idiot Test handy between now and the 2012 elections. Practice applying it when you see TV reports, read newspapers, or hear statements on talk shows. This is your guide --- if you ignore every single political news story for the next 23 months, The Idiot Test will still hold true. Anyone trying to advance these ideas is a danger to you and your family, and should be kept out of office at any cost.
Oh, and by the way, if you agree with any of these statements --- don't vote. You're an even bigger idiot than the politicians are.
Ah, what am I worried about? Most people who agree with these statements can't read.
