One of the suggestions during the last 6 years of complete Republican collapse in national elections has been the idea of a "big tent," a welcoming posture of the party to allow different ideas, different cultures, different races, and different political agendas. This year's Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) really should show the world that this is in full swing.
The GOP already has a big tent: full of COMPLETE FUCKING LOONEYS!
Okay, so that's not entirely true. Some of them are just the same power/money-hungry filth who have run the party for over a century. But we'll get to that. First, the supporting cast.
The Racists: Mainly just dyed-in-the-wool Southern bigots, but we'll lump in the more extreme "The South Never Officially Surrendered" KKK wanna-be's, the shoot-them-at-the-border xenophobes, and the show-me-your-papers fascists. All of these groups have become brazen enough to show their faces in the daylight, and even talk to TV cameras. Three cheers for free fucking speech...
The God Squad: We've gone beyond the traditional Christian church-going folks, these are the severe nut-jobs we're talking about. No-laws-except-the-Ten-Commandments kooks, mandatory-prayer-in-school American Madrasa lunatics, and life-begins-at-the-conception-of-the-baby's-grandparents zealots. If any of these people actually followed the teachings of the religion they pretend to belong to, they wouldn't belong to the Republican Party, and the country would really be a lot better off.
The Birthers: This is an example of a campaign strategy spun wildly out of control. Somewhere in the bowels of GOP HQ some wonk decided that it would be a good idea to try to turn the electorate against then-Senator Barack Obama by questioning his country of birth. About 2 months later, when it was apparent that the public at large was unfazed by this idiocy, the McCain campaign moved on to other things --- like repeating "HE'S BLACK!" over and over. But they had created a monster, and that monster will live for eternity.
The hallmark of a true Republican is that they refuse to change their minds about anything. They believe what they are told without question so long as the information comes from a True Believer. To wit: if Dick Cheney were to go on the Sunday talk shows and declare that the Toy Story series was filled with subliminal messages aimed at teaching the Koran to American children, there would be throngs of Republican faithful burning piles of DVD's outside of Disneyland within hours --- and those people would believe that shit until they were shoved in a pine fucking box.
So! Once the Birther Monster had been created, it could not be un-created. And I guarantee you: in 100 years, some ignorant closet-case fucktard will get himself elected to the school board in Mississippi, and the first thing he will propose is that they tear out any pages in the schools' history textbooks that mentions Barack Obama being elected President --- because he was really born in Kenya. They'll have a panel on that subject at the CPAC 2113 Conference too.
The Gun Freaks: After Sandy Hook, this group is losing support by the thousands, and fighting for its life --- and the results are bringing out the absolute worst in the remaining faithful. I'm sure there were more than a few of these idiots who actually tried showing up to CPAC with a half-dozen or more guns on their person. But in an ironic twist of the knife in the backs of these Rambo disciples, there are no firearms allowed into CPAC. Gee, I couldn't imagine why...
The Gay Bashers: Most people at CPAC fall into this category as a subset of their main affiliation, like a free bag of BBQ chips with your meatball sandwich. Gays are bad, they say. They're just, bad! Jesus says they're bad (even though he doesn't). They're all child molesters (even though they aren't). And they don't deserve the same rights as those of us who believe in traditional marriage (and have had affairs on our spouse resulting in 3 divorces). Okay, folks. When you get an argument that isn't a flagrant violation of the Equal Protection clause, let me know. In the mean time, go find somebody who can read and have them tell you about the Equal Protection clause.
The Tea Party: We want to think this is the craziest group inside the GOP's big tent, but in reality it's just the dumbest. The intellectually incongruous rallying cries of "Cut entitlements!" and "Keep your hands off my Medicare!" should tell you all you need to know about this band of morons. But my personal favorite is their assertion that the 14th Amendment is unconstitutional. Positively priceless.
The Traditionalists: These are, in so many ways, the craziest group of them all --- yet the most docile and under-the-radar. These people simply want nothing to change, ever. Things were great when I was a kid, they reminisce. Why can't we just go back to that? They literally want all time and progress and political evolution to cease. They want America to go back to a simpler, easier time --- when blacks were in chains, when women were in the kitchen, when gays were in the closet, when Mexicans were just target practice, when everyone was a Christian, when beating your kids was perfectly okay (even in public), and when white men could do or say anything they want and get away with it. They don't understand why we can't just go back to 1855, and everyone (except women, children, blacks, non-Christians, gays, and immigrants) would be perfectly happy! On the outside they look like normal people; on the inside, they're absolutely stone cold nuts.
Which brings us to the group that is waning in numbers, but not in power: The Establishment. For them, this is a simple equation. You use your money to buy power, and use that power to write laws that help you make more money. That is why the corporate elite give billions of dollars to the Republican Party, and will continue to do so. The Establishment will never relinquish control to the Tea Party or any Johnny-come-lately group, no matter how much popular support they garner. Because none of the issues held dear by any of these other groups mean shit to them: all they care about is money. Politics is a means to an end for these people; elected officials are useless unless they contribute to the bottom line, but as long as they meet that standard, whatever else they do concerning other issues is completely immaterial.
The problem with that approach is, how do you stay in power? In prior years it was enough to give lip service to issues like abortion and school prayer during the campaign, then make no attempt to do anything about them when you get into office --- and tell your constituents they should blame it on Democratic dirty tricks and Washington gridlock. But the expectations of the groups that The Establishment has traditionally manipulated for votes are now much higher, and their patience is much shorter. Thus, you see Establishment stalwarts like Jeb Bush calling for more inclusion. What he really means is, we need a wider cross-section of the population to be able to lie to successfully so they'll vote for us.
So there you have it. The Republican Big Tent in a nutshell. So what are you waiting for? Buy your ticket for 2016 before they're all gone! I'm in like I get to fuck Sarah Palin at the victory party.
If things get desperate enough, they may have to start offering that as a perk for coming aboard.
